Why does everyone leave me. Everyone I’ve ever been with have left. Am I that unlovable. I don’t understand. Please don’t leave me. Please. I can’t deal with it again. And again. It hurt so much. Please don’t leave me like everyone in the past. Why won’t anyone stay? What’s wrong with me? An I so hard to love? Why won’t anyone stay?
#sad
I was a pretty weird outcasted child so one of the greatest wonders of my adult life has been realizing that you can just go someplace and meet some people and casually make some friends, and they might not be in your life forever but you can hang out for a while, and then you can go somewhere else and do it again, and again, if it doesn’t work out no biggie, etc.
Also there’s no point in your life where the window on making friends just closes. You’re never going to hit an age where that’s that, you’re done making friends, you’ll never make another one again. Seems pretty academic but honestly I think it would have saved younger-me (and particularly university-aged me) a lot of stress and worry if someone had just sat me down and told me this.
“There is hope, even when your brain tells you there isn’t.”— John Green, Turtles All the Way Down
Today, I finally decided to let you go. Being with you felt like a beautiful dream that you’re forced to wake up from. It was fleeting. Exciting, then an abrupt end. Sometimes I’m not even sure if it all happened. I don’t want to forget the times we spent together, but I also want to forget because it hurts to remember and realise again and again that you’re gone. And you’re not coming back. That I never got to kiss you one last time. That I’ll never see you again.
So many things I wanted to tell you. But I was too late and I never got the chance. And now it doesn’t even matter anymore.
It’s been months, and I’m tired of hoping to see your name on my phone every time it buzzes. Tired of hoping that you’ve somehow realised you’ve made a mistake. Tired of trying to figure out what I did wrong, beating myself up over what I could’ve done to make you change your mind about me. You’ve probably already forgotten about me.
It’s clear that you don’t want me anymore. So I have to let you go. Got to stop being in denial. You’ll always be in my heart. Even if I don’t want to forget you so it doesn’t hurt anymore.
